My handsome taco man-

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately

I went about our conversation all wrong

It was coming from a place of fear

You’re right

I used to always feel like I needed a plan

And that I had a path to achieve a mission, that’s the Type A in me

I have done a lot of reading recently about masculine and feminine energy

(And don’t think I’m going all hippy and spiritual on you, but stay with me, it makes sense)

But

I have spent the majority of my life in relationships where I had to step up

And use my masculine energy to survive

Because my men did not lead 

Here’s what they say about these energies in relationships:

All in all, in relationships, masculine energy is all about providing and doing, whereas feminine energy focuses on receiving and being.

Having to be the provider, hold all of the responsibility, and having no other option but to be a high achiever left no room for me to find my feminine energy

I was always in fight or flight mode

I was always the one that had to solve the problems, and keep everyone safe

You, on the other hand

You are a real man

You are a natural leader, provider, and safe keeper

And throughout this past year I have learned SO MUCH about letting a man lead

And every once in a while, when I get scared

These instincts pop back up

Where I feel like I need to be the one looking out for myself

And I need to be the safe keeper and problem solver

But with you.. I don’t

I don’t need to be the protector anymore

I just need to receive and be

And let you lead

And so, I continue to learn and grow

And I’ve made mistakes this year with us

And here I am

Owning my mistakes

And becoming a better person 

Because you have continued to be by my side

And make me feel safe

And loved

And supported

I can take my armor off with you

And never feel judged, or abandoned, or not good enough

I am learning to enjoy the moment

Enjoy what I have now

Not worry about what things will become

But to accept things for how they are today

And if I don’t think about the future

Or solving for potential future challenges

And I just look at today

I love us

I love that you’re my best friend

I love how aligned we always are, and how big we dream

and the future will be something of epic proportions

if we just continue to do the right things

And if I don’t make all these expectations

and by expectations I don’t mean goals and dreams or wanting something to happen

I mean just expecting things will go the way I think they should

you never know what tomorrow will bring

and it might be more magnificent than anything I ever expected

I am learning to slow down

And just appreciate what we have today

In this moment

We don’t need to figure it all out now

We don’t need to rush

And I’m sorry if I created a sense of urgency where there doesn’t need to be one

I just shared openly and freely with you

Without thinking about how you would react

or how my words would make you feel

I missed an opportunity to self reflect before I projected my thoughts onto you

I will continue to become the best version of myself

And get back on track

There’s so much I want to do with myself

Get through this divorce, first of all

Find a new routine, a new normal

Build the strongest most unbreakable relationship with my son that I can

Get fired up about my career again

And just focus on doing all the right things

Not knowing where it will take me

But being open to the idea that its okay to not know all the answers

It’s ok to just experience today

Stop overthinking

And trust the process

That everything will work out how it’s meant to be

And that everything happens for a reason

And the journey is beautiful, and life changing, and uncertainty is ok

Uncertainty is ok

I am willing to put the work in to show up better every day

And be a better mom, friend, sister, daughter, partner

I cannot rob myself or us of this experience, and happiness

Just because I might be scared it might end

I don’t want to focus on the end

I want to focus on the now

And the journey

The same journey you’re on

And I want you to know

I support you

I don’t need you to have all the answers

I don’t need to solve my whole entire life right now

Or make you feel like I need you to solve our whole entire life

Every day I’ll just focus on adding more good things to my life

And you are a good thing

And I don’t ever want to hurt you

Or do anything to you that pushes you away

And I’m sorry if what I said was big and scary

I was scared big and I brought you my fragile heart

My dreams of a future for us, a utopia

and shared with you my fear, and my uncertainty of how I fit into your life

and how you see me fitting into your life

and what this would, should, and could look like

I did this days before court, emotions running really high

You having shared this revelation with me about refocusing on yourself and your kids

And I felt rejected as a reaction

And that was wrong of me

I should have listened better, and responded with your best interest and needs, and desires, and feelings at heart, not my emotion

You asked me if the words hit home

And they certainly did

I have been at the lowest point of my life this year

Embarrassed in some of my choices and actions

Hurt and scared and angry and sad

All at the same time

And meanwhile there was a juxtaposition

Of all of the warmth, and happiness, and joy, and love, and support, and excitement

That you brought to my life

You are exactly what I need in my life

And you were exactly what I needed this year

And I don’t want to screw that up just because I’m scared

And I don’t want to push you away because I’m scared

Of rejection and abandonment

Instead, I’ll keep working on me

And getting better

And growing stronger

More capable, more committed to becoming the best me 

So thank you for the understanding and patience

And the lessons, and kindness you’ve always showed in my mistakes and learning

The compassion in my times of pain and confusion

I’m sorry I made you feel like shit

I’m sorry if I disappointed you

I’m sorry I put so much pressure on you to have all the answers now

That was unfair of me

I didn’t need to be so negative about all the challenges we might face

because I know if we made it through this year

there’s nothing we won’t be able to make through together

or figure out together

This was a dark, hard, scary year and yet we built this beautiful thing in the worst possible circumstances

I am so curious and inspired and excited to see what we build when have less opposition and less complications

We will learn to navigate through this and we will find a way

we always will find a way

I knew it the moment we locked eyes

and we shared how we felt

and finally admitted there was this unmistakable gravitational force that drew us together

in the most eye opening, heart pounding, soul changing way

Those feelings haven’t changed for me

You still ignite me every time I see you

My heart skips beats when your name pops up on my phone

or when you give me that smile

or grab my hand

or pull me in for a hug

or grab my face and kiss me

or play with my hair

I don’t regret a second of this

None of this was a mistake

We are not a mistake

If it takes years

then it takes years

I never want to lose you

I don’t ever want you to question how much you mean to me

Or how much I love you

I don’t want you to ever question that I trust you

And will follow you and be by your side

Every step of the way

And every day

I will always show up for you

And I know you will do the same

Please just keep being my best friend

and my lover if you’ll have me

Keep reminding me all the wonderful things you think of me

And continue to keep telling me often

(I am learning to accept compliments)

So please know

How much you mean to me

And how amazing it is to have someone

Who tells me I am smart, beautiful, amazing, determined

And you mean it

And I’m learning to believe all these things about myself

Just because of you

And your words

And your love

And your friendship

And your support

Your partnership

You are kind

Respectful

You inspire me to be a better version of myself

You ignite me

You feel like home to me

You are one of my absolute favorite humans

and I admire and cherish you

I appreciate all of you

So let’s keep talking

And keep getting better together

And cheering each other on

And supporting each other

And leaning on one another

I want to see where this takes us

We have too much chemistry to only be friends

There is more we need to discover

so let’s take our time

and figure it out

and when you need to remind me to slow down

and that it’s all going to be ok

I promise to do my best to be ok with the uncertainty

and just revel in the experience we can share now

and I promise to get better at letting you lead

and letting you keep me safe

and letting me shine and thrive and grow

and to receive and just be

I love you more

always will.

-Snoop